Lay Back and Enjoy It

“Self-Esteem Sports Guy” can’t help but take the fantasy draft too seriously. For him, fantasy football is part of a greater sacred quest to find life’s meaning in sports. You won’t have to ask who “his” team is, because he’ll typically refer to them as “we”, name his dog after a famous player from the team’s past, and refuse to buy a car if Detroit has dared to manufacture it in the color of his team's rivals.

The best thing you can do about these guys is to make them aware of the wonders of decaffeinated coffee, clue any rookie owners in as to why he’s running a draft-pick countdown clock like an NBA official, and try to keep him from shouting “Boo-Ya!” and doing the wave (by himself) when he somehow snags the Baltimore defense… in the 4th round.

BUT HE’LL MAKE IT UP IN VOLUME…
Type: FANTASY ADDICT
Distinctive Characteristics:

The good thing about Fantasy Addict is that he is outwardly not materialistic. Anyone who valued money would not spend $400 on research and weekly updates.... to win $100 at the end of the season.

Fantasy Addict can be fun to watch games with when the season starts, because between his 8 or 10 teams, he’s usually got someone from just about every team on his roster, and thus knows the weather in that city, the defensive line coach’s cousin’s phone number, and what restaurants the players hang out in. After all, you gotta know what’s on the training table, he says.

Want to mess with Fantasy Addict? Tell him you’re thinking of taking Todd Heap over Tony Gonzalez in the first round because you generated it from a dVBD program. Even if you don’t know what dVBD is, Fantasy Addict will, and will debate its merits with you like he used to throw down about Captain Kirk vs. Captain Picard.

(Just as an aside, dVBD stands for “dynamic Value-Based Drafting,” and it puts the science into fantasy football, by ranking players during a draft according to position scarcity. It’s a matter of some controversy in the fantasy community between true believers and vehement opponents).

As a last resort, you can always smear barbecue sauce from your wings onto Fantasy Addict’s cheat sheet, just to piss him off.

THAT’S WHY THE AMISH HARDLY EVEN WIN AT THIS
Type: OLD SCHOOL GUY
Distinctive Characteristics:

Look, we all distrust technology to a certain degree. Old School Guy is like many of us in that respect. He knows a lot about football, is good at fantasy football, but would sooner shave his head with a butter knife than get on a computer. While Fantasy Addict is in a chat room discussing new algorithms for evaluating fantasy points projections, Old School Guy is metaphorically wearing his leather helmet, rewriting and erasing his Overall Top 25 list on the green chalkboard in the basement he inherited from his uncle who coached Division III football at Mount Union.

The worst thing you can do to Old School Guy is to start talking computer jargon. Mention that for next year’s draft, you’re thinking of setting up a Java-enabled web application that will require a broadband Internet connection. Everyone will think it’s funny when the smoke starts to come out of his ears.

Let him down gently unless you really want his head to explode.
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To paraphrase my buddy the Steelers’ fan, “don’t be those guys.”

Kick back and have a beer or two, and stop worrying if someone’s going to break the code for the symbols on your cheatsheet. Enjoy the company of guys you maybe only get to see once or twice a year. If Ricky can quit the game to share late-night Taco Bell runs with Lenny Kravitz, there’s certainly no reason for you to stress out if someone takes Ron Dayne two picks before you were going to.

(Besides, Dayne’s only projected to score 131.2 fantasy points this year. My dVBD program said so. Boo-ya!)

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Joe is currently sequestered in the basement with a slide rule and a divining rod preparing for his draft. When he surfaces, you can shoot him an e-mail.