The Fine Art of Losing

I realized that I have overlooked the vast majority of players whenever I write articles about winning fantasy football. In most leagues, approximately 90-percent of the owners lose and I have never addressed the very important subject of losing. This could well be the groundbreaking article in the industry. It should speed up the annoying process of winning and losing, which will produce a larger gap between the haves and have-nots. Both sides will be exceedingly happier as they find their rightful strata in the fantasy universe quicker and with more accuracy than ever before.

Don’t Prepare
This is not a subtle approach, but it is the most effective. The downside is your fellow owners may get annoyed at having to point out repeatedly that your selections have been previously drafted. To mask the drumming of fingers, pointed remarks, or disgusted looks, we suggest a combination of Jack Daniels and Budweiser. If you are drunk, you won’t notice a thing and will enjoy the draft even more. Probably scarf down a ton of snacks, spill some liquids on people’s laptops or notebooks, and maybe make a lewd pass at the host’s spouse. This strategy will accomplish the task of losing the best but chances are you won’t be invited back for next season.

Make the Scene with a Magazine
This is a better tactic if you want to stay in the league each year but still want to lose. Magazines get a bad rap, as their information can still be as fresh in September as it was in April or May when it was originally written. Think of those cheatsheets as the milk festering in the back of the refrigerator, that stuff was fine even weeks after the expiration date, why not use a cheatsheet developed in late April. It will keep you in the good graces of the rest of the league as you will keep track, somewhat, and make a few picks that will the fellow owners rolling in the aisles.

Draft Players on the Downward Spiral
We call this the Nine Inch Nails Theorem. What a drafter does is take a player that has headed backwards the past few seasons and is getting older. They draft them in the hope that they will revive their malodorous careers. An example of a former player like this would be Herman Moore. Drafters continue picking this poor slob up figuring that he will bump into Ponce De Leon on the way to the stadium. This year’s version may include: Antonio Freeman and Jerome Bettis.

Take Risks Early
Get ahead of the curve and take those risks before the others in your league. Make early round draft picks of players that have had a few years worth of injuries, are unable to play, yet, or have lost most of their help. Last year’s example would be Terrell Davis. This year we like Jeff Garcia, Terrell Davis, Eddie George, and Duce Staley.

Grab those rookie running backs
We have a friend that loves to take a minimum of two rookie running backs figuring that one will hit. We encourage everyone to do the same. We love to see owners gamble two of their top picks in hope that one pick will work out. Last year the example was Ron Dayne and Thomas Jones. This year we like Michael Bennett, LaDainian Tomlinson, Kevan Barlow, Travis Henry, and James Jackson. Go ahead take two they’re small.

Double up on QBs early
Quarterbacks are risky enough so double that pleasure by taking two in the first half of the draft. That way you can ensure not having a third RB or WR or even a starting TE. This strategy worked well last season when owners took Brad Johnson and Cade McNown. This year we like taking the Brian Griese/Trent Green ER special and get two surgeries for the price of one.

Draft a QB/WR combo in the First Two Rounds
Maybe we can call this VBD run amuck. Just move down that cheatsheet selecting the best players available without any consequence to the fact that the only running backs left are the aged and infirmed. For an added special twist, make it a team combo. Manning/Harrison and Garcia/Owens are the likeliest combos but if you really want to push the envelope try Griese/R. Smith.

Do the Noah’s Ark
This is old school. Make sure you fill all the starting positions before selecting any backups. That means taking a kicker in the eighth round and a defense in the ninth. If you run a strict VBD system, and we suggest you do, it will point out the kickers to take. Last year it was Mike Vanderjagt, this year possibly Matt Stover. We saw it executed in an “experts” league last season so you know it’s battle-tested.

Take only Running Back by Committee Backs
Just plow through and take a back from each RBBC unit, as there are plenty. Start with Terrell Davis, then to Charlie Garner, maybe grab Sammy Morris, Garrison Hearst, and James Jackson. The classic from last season was the Kansas City Chiefs as they started four different backs during the year and never let on which back was going to start when. Gunther Cunningham, what a genius.

Stop Calling in your Lineup
This is another trick taken from “expert” leagues. If the experts do it… Just forget to call in the lineup a few weeks at a time. Hopefully it will coincide after putting Kurt Warner, or some hero, on the bench for a bye week so that your opponents get the joy of playing an empty suit backup for weeks at a time.

Ignore bye weeks
Kind of the cousin to the above advice about not calling in lineups. Don’t take your regulars out at all. Make them go all 17 weeks, even though they play only 16 times. This will give you a big doughnut for eight or nine weeks minimum.

Don’t replace any of the injured
These guys are tough, so treat them that way and play them whether they are hurt or not. Tell them to tape an aspirin to that ACL and get back on the field or they will have to do a few more gassers after practice. If things work your way, you may achieve a perfect lineup of all injured players. It will be tough but if you are dedicated to the task, it could work.

Forget about free agents
Why waste time out of your day working on the roster when it is more enjoyable to pass on free agents altogether. Not only will it help you conserve energy but your fellow owners will love you for it.

Make plenty of 3-for-1 deals
Trading can be an enjoyable pastime and it is a lot of fun to trade the top player on your squad to an opponent for two or three of their players, especially if they are backups. This is the last ditch effort, if all your other efforts to lose haven’t worked. It is rare to get 3-for-1of anything, so dig right in and make a deal. The look on your fellow owner’s faces…priceless.

This is the best I can do. Not having lost very often, I may not have all the more subtle approaches down but these seemed to be the tried and true. I would carry this article with you at all times as a sort of patch to dull the cravings to win. We in the top 10-percent are counting on you to be more aggressive about losing and to strive for the perfect 0-14 season. We fully understand that scheduling luck may overturn those expectations but negative domination is within your grasp. Just do it.