Fantasy : Congress to remove Pats from Superbowl? : Dear Fantasy Doctor X.

January 22, 2008 - Washington, DC - By Cameron Snow. In a shocking move Congress has acted to prevent the New England Patriots from competing in the Super Bowl this season; the possibility that they may rescind their previous Super Bowl titles is “on the table” according to several sources on Capitol Hill.

The move comes after recent moves by Congress to eliminate steroids in baseball and sports in general. The Congressional rationale for intervening in baseball is to prevent young athletes from using steroids. They believe that if baseball players are allowed to get away with it then kids will learn that you can cheat and succeed; or worse, that cheating is the key to success.

After the Patriots defeated the Chargers a meeting of the House Committee on Government Reform (the same committee that lead the charge on steroids) was held and it was decided action must be taken. The House of Representatives had passed a resolution condemning the Patriots early Monday morning and the “True Patriots Don’t Cheat Act” was passed by mid-day. The Senate quickly passed mirror legislation and with the President’s approval the New England Patriots have been removed from the February 3rd game and the San Diego Chargers put in their place.

“The Chargers represent what’s right about America,” Representative Duncan Hunter (R-CA) said, “LT, Philip Rivers, and Antonio Gates were all out there injured and playing their hearts out… well LT was a little too hurt but you know what I mean. They went out there and played with their hearts. Those so-called ‘Patriots’ a pack of hoodlums and cheaters. We did this today so that the children of this country don’t get the wrong message; we want kids to know cheating doesn’t pay.”

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry (D) rebutted Hunter’s statement, “The New England Patriots are an iconic franchise and I don’t believe they should be prevented from playing in this game. They got caught cheating. So what? I always say if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”

Congress agreed with Representative Hunter and sent an official reprimand to Senator Kerry before breaking for their six-week vacation this evening. The Patriots “Spy Gate” scandal was an issue Congress simply couldn’t ignore.

“We would be absolute hypocrites not to do this,” Illinois Senator and Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama (D) said, “How can we as a nation, as a people, and as a Congress attack cheating on the one hand and reward it on the other? In the end, we can’t. It’s time to take a stand and show our children that if you cheat you will get caught and you will get punished.”

When asked for his feelings on the matter Presidential Candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (R) smiled into the camera and after a few seconds said, “Optimism.”

Fred Thompson’s (R) office said he was “taking a nap” when called for comment.

Thus far there’s been no official reaction for the NFL but Patriots Coach Bill Belichick launched into an uncharacteristic and intelligible tirade when asked for comment. The question now is how will fans react to this move? Congress is betting they will applaud it, “the country is committed to stopping cheaters from succeeding” Senator and Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said, “and so are we.”
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